My Child is a Picky Eater: Part 3

In my work extensively with children and families in the home environment, and in my own personal work of spiritual evolution, I have come to some interesting conclusions.

Caregivers typically intuitively know something is wrong with their child via the feedback of “picky eating” behaviors. The stories I hear from caregivers—typically women—is that they have been given plenty of advice from friends and family. Internet searches really haven’t fully addressed the issues that are affecting their family dynamics. Social media feeds reveal all their friends having no issues with their children eating. What used to be a niggling problem has now become a major issue at the dinner table with their spouse and the conversations at the table revolve around “the problem”. Frequently, caregivers have been told by their doctor that the child will “grow out of it” and to be patient.

To make matters even worse, as the problem of picky eating continues, and when repeated interventions by the primary caregiver are unsuccessful, blame, fatigue, self-doubt and recriminations erode self-esteem, confidence and the willingness to keep trying.

We as a society, place a high social value on eating. At this time in the United States, women remain at the forefront of child-rearing. Many women are socialized from an early age that food equals love. In other words, food that is prepared and served is a love offering from the woman to whomever the food is presented to. To have a love offering such as this rebuked repeatedly after going to the effort of thinking about the meal, preparing the meal, offering the meal, etc. will wear anyone out. And, positive feelings for a child who is repeatedly refusing food that you have so painstakingly gone to the effort to present begin to erode with time.

The above scenario plays out in some form or another repeatedly in the United States. If this applies to you, please know that you are not alone. Stress, worry, and repeated advice (which often turn into criticism when the “problem” isn’t fixed quickly) create a ripe feeding ground for negative self-talk. This negative self-talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle begins with over-stressed caregivers losing sight of who they are as participants in the family dynamic and even further devolves into lower self-esteem.

Your child, who may have initially been at a developmentally appropriate level of demonstrating their independence and experimenting with power and control, is now the leading actor and center stage of “the problem” about picky eating and even potentially getting reinforced for the behavior of not eating!

Children don’t have a lot of power or control when they are young. As they get a bit older, typically around the time they can walk independently, they begin to realize they are independent beings and are starting to express their opinions. The things that children can absolutely control at this young age are: 1) what goes in their mouth (food and drink) and 2) what comes out of their bodies (number 1 and 2). It is developmentally appropriate for “melt-downs”, for emotional outbursts and refusals to reasonable requests at around the time a child begins walking, through about three years old. The challenge is to successfully manage the behavior(s).

Before I really became aware of how powerful language and personal awareness creates realities, I used to create plans with the caregiver with the intent toward changing the child’s behavior. As a professional, I was there talking about “the problem” with the child in attendance. This, in my opinion, was not so different than the discussion about “the problem” with parents and child at the table in the child’s eyes.

I now realize what great mastery that child had at the time—to not only have friends, spouse, family, social media and doctors working on “the problem”—now a “professional” is coming in to address “the problem” also!

In the past, although my approach was somewhat effective, I came to the conclusion that behavior is a two-way street and I realized that I was inadequately addressing underlying belief systems of the primary caregiver. This in turn impacts the dynamics of child and caregiver (and by extension everyone else in that caregiver’s orbit).

Currently I find that if I can provide supports to the primary caregiver (who by this time is being pretty hard on themselves), and we work together to unravel belief systems as revealed by their unconscious negative self-talk and replace it with conscious positive self-talk then this can be a major game changer with picky eating and any other area of life/parenting that is a challenge.

Helping caregivers remember that they have a built in "truth meter" is core to helping any issue in life—and picky eating is no exception. If you get a good feeling and resonance by running thoughts, ideas, and other notions presented by others regarding a situation—or by doing a bit of self-reflection and you get a good feeling—execute that plan. If you get a twisting in your gut, or a bad feeling about a plan of action, then you don’t do it. It is that simple.

We human beings consciously and unconsciously create our world around us through our thoughts, words and actions. What if problem eating is unconsciously created if you or other family members have issues with food and eating–—or have arguments and disagreements with other caregivers about what the child should eat (especially in front of the child)? What type of interpersonal dynamic is set up and supported by this?

What if ...

• Through the language we use, and especially the language we use in front of our “problem” eater, we are unconsciously reinforcing the problem?
• Through the language we use combined with the behaviors (verbal and non-verbal) we are doing in front of and to the “problem” eater, we are unconsciously reinforcing the problem?
• The child is unconsciously using this to escalate their behavior as a way of power struggle?

I can’t tell you how many times I have listened to caregivers tell me “my child won’t eat”, or “my child won’t eat that” or “my child is lazy” or “my child will never ______ (fill in the blank (eat, walk, talk, drink anything besides formula), or “my child always gags when I offer new foods so I now only offer my child the foods they will eat”—you get the picture.

These series of articles are in no way intended to imply that you—as a caregiver—are inadequate or doing anything wrong. You are acting and behaving on a belief system through your “self-talk” that was probably installed when you were a young child and you have had this “self-talk” tape running all this time.

Louise L. Hay, author of “You can Heal Your Life”, says that the way we use our minds are habits and any habits can be changed. The trick is to take notice and be aware of the language of the “self-talk” in our minds. Once we have the awareness of that self-talk we can change it!

My next article will discuss “self-talk” and how to bring awareness to the seemingly never-ending often negative dialogue in our minds.

Rosemary Slade, PLLC, OTR, NC is a practicing occupational therapist and mineral-nutritional practitioner. She can be reached on this website.  This article is not in any manner, shape or form intended to be considered or construed as medical advice or providing a medical diagnosis. This article is for entertainment purposes only. Please see your medical doctor for medical diagnoses.